I suppose that yes, I do like being pregnant. Although my body has never been particularly great at the delivery portion of child-bearing, it sure knows how to successfully navigate nine months of growth, discomfort and all-around awesomeness.
Tomorrow I'm waddling into the operating room for my final delivery. A c section, another one. My fourth in five total deliveries. Two months shy of exactly 10 years since I delivered my first. I've had babies in 2009, 2012, 2013, 2016 and now 2019. I have three girls of my own and am now delivering my second baby boy who will go home with his mom once the doctors okay his hospital departure.
And guys... It's all so very much more bittersweet than I was ready for!
I have a much different perspective on pregnancy as a surrogate, and I guess my emotions start there. Because, for most pregnant women, pregnancy is just the beginning. A small portion of the enormous journey that is motherhood. There isn't much time to think about delivery because it will ultimately be so short-lived. Once baby is here, mom (and dad) will be knee-deep in diapers and up-all-nights and onesies and worry. C section scars or stitches you-know-where will be forgotten when that precious newborn coos and smiles.
But for surrogates, the pregnancy is the journey, wholly and completely. Don't get me wrong- this isn't a sob story. Although newborns are wonderful and incredible and there is always part of me as a woman, as a mom, who will miss those early days and weeks of life, I'm in no way sad that I'm not bringing home a baby when I leave the hospital. The baby days for me are long-ago over, and that is truly something I'm okay with.
But there is magic in pregnancy, and in surrogacy especially, that I'm far more attached to than I've been able to admit to myself.
Because I've had three c sections and am having a fourth tomorrow (!!), my doctor has told me he simply will not sign off on any more surrogacies. And my husband years ago told me that he feels our family is complete and doesn't want any more littles. Both of these statements, these realities, I'm okay with. For the most part.
But concluding my fifth pregnancy feels like the end of an era. The end of a 10 year journey I truly never knew I would embark on when I took my first pregnancy test in early 2009. It's the end of maternity jeans and blossoming bumps and caffeine restrictions. It's the end of wondering who baby will look more like and if baby is a boy or a girl and feeling those kicks and flutters.
There is so much I look forward to in the upcoming days. A good glass of wine, for starters! Sleeping on my stomach. No more heartburn (I hope, anyway!). My expansive wardrobe that's been neglected for the past several months. Sushi, unlimited amounts of caffeine, a giant margarita from Fuzzy's.
Someday, I'm sure, I'll look back on all these years, all these pregnancies, and realize how fortunate I was. To carry life five times. To add five more amazing kids to this earth. But for now, I'm going to be a little sad, a little emotional (and extremely, extremely hormonal!) that tomorrow my journey comes to an end. All good things, right?
Wow, you are so amazing. And knowing that it is the end of the journey is hard, so many don’t really get that opportunity to reflect it is the end because they end up knee deep in the diapers and all other baby stage, then blink and it’s all gone.
ReplyDeleteI’ll be having you on my mind tomorrow as you prepare to bring this new life into the world. Rest, and take care of yourself. Surrogate or bio mom-those post delivery hormones are no joke!